00:00

Welcome to Make More Money without Selling Your Soul with me Polly Lavarello, evergreen marketing expert. This podcast is for you if you are an online entrepreneur who is looking to simplify their business to scale.  On this podcast you can expect to hear regular talk about wealth, about selling and about wellbeing. Because I believe these three core fundamental things are pivotal to your growth moving forward.

00:44

Welcome to make more money without selling your soul with myself Polly Lavarello, Evergreen marketing expert and cushy business pioneer.

And today I’m talking about something about is deeply personal, kind of raw and not entirely tidy as a subject. But one thing I don’t talk about very transparently, is about my situation as being the main breadwinner for my family. It’s a pretty unusual setup, because beyond the fact that I’m the main breadwinner, I’m also, well, I was a single mom, I kind of still am. In terms of, you know, I don’t think you ever entirely lose that sense of who you are, even when you have a new partner. And certainly my life situation, for example, right now is that my children are with their dad in Gibraltar for the next few weeks. So while I may kind of have the trappings of a nuclear family, in many regards, I still face unique challenges as a single parent, for example, anything medical, that happens to my children or anything, even really financial, when it comes to making decisions on their behalf. Obviously, I’m not just considering my partner who I live with. But I’m also having to take into consideration what my ex husband may think, and ensure that we’re all on board. And similarly, in terms of my financial setup, and the fact that I am the main breadwinner, I would say that probably I’ve been massively motivated to be the main breadwinner because it felt really scary to lose everything. And that’s just me being really honest, it felt really scary to lose everything.

And so of course, I feel an enormous sense of safety and security in knowing that I have built something that is my own, that can’t be taken away from me. And anyone who’s been through a scenario like the one I went through, probably understands that, but I wanted to share because I know beyond those particular circumstances, my own that, of course, many online business owners that many entrepreneurs want to be in a situation where they can retire their partner, or their partner can work less hours, or perhaps their partner simply just really hates their job. And you want to be able to be in a position where you can say, Look, I’m earning enough, go take some time out until you find what it is you want to be doing or train up in that new thing you want to be training in. Just you know, ultimately, when we have financial freedom with our businesses, it opens up so many doors. I mean, I know they say money doesn’t buy you happiness, but it sure gives you a heck of a lot of options. And those options can lead to a much happier existence. It’s just true. Let’s face it. I mean, nobody just gets into business for the love of what they love doing it. You know, ultimately, money is what enables us to have those choices so that we can show up and be the way we want to be. So yeah, main breadwinner.

So I guess ultimately, I shall give you some context as to how we ended up in this scenario that I am the main earner because that was not the situation when I met my new partner. It wasn’t the situation in my previous marriage. So it’s relatively new, it’s only been the last three years that I’ve been the main earner. And people have questions, you know, people have questions, and I’m going to share the three things that have really made it work for us. Because now we’re three years into this, I can quite safely say that this is a setup we’re both very happy with. And like any kind of setup as a couple, you know, it’s not to say it doesn’t come with its own unique challenges. And so if if this is something you’ve been considering, I wanted to speak to the three things that have made it as easier transition and process as it has been for us. And I guess I just also wanted to be more transparent about it. Because what I’ll say is I occasionally have people reach out to me and say, Hey, your mom, and you have really unique challenges as a mom. You know, being a business owner, too. Can we talk about what that looks like for you? And I have to admit, there’s almost a sense of shame.

When I think about the fact that I haven’t really touched Weiss I haven’t really I haven’t touched the laundry. Since 2020. I haven’t washed up probably as many times as I can count maybe on two hands in the last three years. I don’t do school pickup, I don’t do after school stuff with my kids. I joined them at dinnertime at five. So I do finish at five and I do get to go straight downstairs and hang out my kids and have quality time with them. So it’s not to say I don’t spend time my children I do and I also dropped them off to school every day. And obviously, I ensure that I don’t have any meetings or anything that will clash with attending all their assemblies and sports days and all of those things. So I feel very much involved in that upbringing, but a lot of the gnarly, less pleasant elements of raising children I have to admit I I don’t have to do those bits. My partner does them And I know that triggers some people, I know someone listening to this right now maybe thinking, oh, like it’s gonna make them feel uncomfortable, it probably would have made me feel uncomfortable four years ago, to have heard someone say I haven’t touched the laundry in however many years like I just, I haven’t. And I’m so happy that I haven’t had to. And that wasn’t how things were, you know, 10 years ago, when I was married to my first husband, I did all the laundry, I did all the cooking, while the majority of the cooking I did, well, I’m gonna say I did all the cleaning, that’s not true, we did have a cleaner because he and I would argue so regularly over who was doing the cleaning. So it’s not to say that we didn’t, I obviously had help back then as well.

But ultimately, I was, you know, he was the main earner. And what I did was kind of, it just wasn’t really that important, you know, back then, I was doing a lot of work and not charging much for it at all, and in many cases doing it for free. Because there was no financial pressure on us whatsoever, which meant that I could, you know, I kept on telling myself, I’m still learning, I’m not good enough, I’m still learning, I’m not good enough. And that in itself is something that really, I think is really important conversation when it comes to women and how, how many women who are comfortably comfortable financially, can actually let down those who aren’t in don’t have that luxurious setup to be able to do things for free or to do things for peanuts, because they don’t see their work as important. But that’s a whole other conversation, which we’re not going to go into right now. But essentially, I guess what I’m trying to share here is that I’ve been on the other side of the coin, I’ve been the you know, I’ve been there as the person supporting my husband, who had, you know, a job that had him working crazy hours, and that he had to be really switched on for very dedicated to that was incredibly meaningful to him. And I didn’t really prioritise my own career, because I was focusing on the children. And I’ll always be grateful for the fact that when my children were very, very young, that I didn’t have that pressure on me, and so I could be fully present for them. And that was a really, really special time. And when I became a single parent, and my children were one and a half and three and a half, that was a real juggle, I didn’t want to ever sacrifice that quality time with my children. And at the same time I needed to earn, I needed to make sure that my children could have the holidays, I wanted to give them I wanted them to have the birthday gifts that they wanted to have, I didn’t want them to not have the scooters or their friends had and things like that.

So I needed to make some money. There’s a lot coming out today. But so that’s where things kind of were in 2019. And that I was this newly single mum, I was on Universal Credit, building up a business as a kind of contractor doing marketing jobs for various different companies. And you know, and I’d met this guy, who’s now my fiancee. And, you know, he and I were kind of in the really relatively early stages. And he he’s a forest school teacher. And gosh, I’m sharing so much today. He’s a forest school teacher. So obviously, he doesn’t earn a huge amount, certainly not in comparison to the money that I make. And I remember really early on almost feeling resentful of that feeling resentful of all the other entrepreneurs out there who had partners who were accountants, or, you know, Tech Wizards, or whatever. And so we’re behind the scenes supporting their partners to kind of, you know, make a really good go of it, you know, I wished I had that second pair of hands and that second brain that could support me and my business. But then I had to look at things differently. And I was like, Well, what does it get to look like where he isn’t involved like that?

Because we he and I are not wired. Similarly, that’s why we’re such a good match to one another. He’s the calm to my kind of crazy, he’s the kind of Yang to my Yang, or maybe it’s the other way around. And so you know, it wasn’t ever going to be a situation that he’d be involved in the business. Not until I do some forest school esque retreat, which Hey, it’s in the works. But yeah, until that time happens, he’s not involved in the business at all. And so I had to think about it differently and think about, well, what does it look like where he does support me? But it’s not within the business? How can he support me to make my business even more of a success, and ultimately, where we couldn’t create more time through him being involved, it was about him helping me create time by essentially taking on responsibilities that I had as a parent, to enable me to have more hours towards my business, so that I could really give it a go, you know, up until the time that I met him, I was working part time on my business so that I could be present for my children. I mean, not even be present. I mean, ultimately, they needed picking up they needed dropping off. They needed, you know, to be cared for who else was going to take them to the park.

09:53

And, you know, obviously we’re in the early stages of our relationships. I wasn’t going to throw him into any of those things. But what was really helpful was really early On in our relationship, we had a really honest conversation where I said to him, you know, I see myself being really successful at the work I do, and I want to do more of it, I really love this work. One of the good benefits about having become a single mom having started working for myself is I finally found what I really love doing. And I really feel like I get to create some significant impact in this space and really help a lot of people. You know, I’m so like, broken by the amount of women being led astray by various tactics that aren’t going to support their business, I want to show up, I want to serve, I want to help people. And if I had a few more hours in the day, I could do more of that. And he was on board, he was totally on board with all of that he could see it, he was, you know, he is and was blown away by the work I get to do and the impact it has, and the number of people I’ve helped over the last few years. And he wanted to be part of that. You know, one of the things we agreed on really early on is that I’m very ambitious. And it’s just not how he’s wired. He’s not he’s very, he cares deeply about the work. He does very, very deeply. But he’s not, you know, he’s an introverted character who has no aspirations to be known on the internet. And then obviously, those aren’t my aspirations alone. But that’s certainly I know, it’s part and parcel of growing a successful online business, and boy, am I available for it. But that’s not how he’s wired. So, yeah, anyway, I’ve kind of given a lot of context here.

But essentially, what I’m saying here is that we had the conversation and he was on board, he was like, Yep, I am ready and willing to be your backup guide, and support you, and help you create and do what it is that you want to be doing in the world. And you know, I love your children, I love being part of this family dynamic. And of course, I’m happy to take on more of the chores and responsibilities you’re doing around being a parent and a business owner so that you can be better rested, you know, I’m not gonna lie. Those of you who know my story around COVID, was that I got very ill with COVID in March 2020, and had long COVID, for about, I don’t know, 12 to 18 months afterwards, it was horrendous. And I think he recognised that one of the reasons why that happened to me was because I was burnt out, I was really burnt out trying to be the business woman I decided to be and be the parent I want it to be. I just simply didn’t have the hours in the day, nor the energy to be all of those things. And it made me ill, it made me very ill. And so he didn’t want that for me. And fortunately, where I will very quickly was in a situation where I was earning enough money that he could go down to, you know, two to three half days a week. And at one point, he was only doing one half day a week. You know, it varies according to what feels good for him. But you know, so he went from working full time, essentially prior to the pandemic, to after the pandemic, going down to one half day a week, so that I could work full time, we know we just moved into a house or various things that needed to be done in the house. And so he was available to manage all of those aspects, really, so that I could just literally once my desk was set up, carry on with working while he dealt with everything else. And that’s how I set up as being like I say, I haven’t touched the laundry, I barely wash up, I don’t really cook any meals, I cook a bit on the weekend for fun because I enjoy cooking. But you know that I don’t even make my own lunches. He prepares them in the morning and leaves them in the fridge for me. I mean, he’s so incredibly generous. And just just amazing.

It’s kind of interesting, because I see a lot of conversation in the online wellbeing space at the moment about divine masculine and divine feminine. And I find it an interesting conversation because ultimately, he is being a provider, just not in the context that people see providing. If you only see providing us financial, then no, he’s not the provider. If you see caregiving, looking after the house, looking after us, keeping us safe and fed and supported and being that emotional bond for all of us that soothing regulating bomb that my crazy disco brain children, as I like to call it that that we all need. He is the most incredibly generous provider. So yeah, that that’s again, another thing. But anyway, my three tips for how we’ve made this work because obviously, it’s not to say we haven’t had the odd conversation like for example, when we when we went to Wales last week, you know, I conscientiously made a point of washing up on that holiday because I just thought he deserves a break. It was the stand out, this is his work. So I’m going to make sure that I am you know, doing my fair bit to ensure that it gets to be a holiday for him as well. You know, having been in his shoes, and recognising that you never get a break from that unless someone chooses to give you that break. I made a point of ensuring that he got that. So what I’d say point number one is if you’re thinking about this kind of dynamic communication and appreciation is key. He and I have always spoken really Oh rapidly, and we’ve also only ever looked at it as the next six months to a year ahead. It’s never been, this is how it will be indefinitely. My children are currently seven and nine, you know, as they get older, and they want to spend less time with us after school, no doubt, you know, we know that through just life, things will change somewhat, and we’re open and flexible to what that may look like. And similarly, you know, a situation or an opportunity may come up for my partner, my fiance, where he’ll, you know, potentially want to pursue that. And you know, I’ve always been very open to the idea of if it isn’t you, then we will find another way around it. So don’t ever feel pressured for it to need to be you, you know, if we need to hire a gardener, or if you need some help with the cleaning, like, I don’t want you to feel that you have to carry all these things. And so yeah, and real appreciation and respect for what he does, you know, I think, again, unfortunately, in scenarios where the man is the main breadwinner, or at least, let’s just say on a personal level, I’ve seen it in many regards, where women have said to me, they don’t feel appreciated for the work that they do. And fortunately for me, because I have been in that role myself, I have a huge appreciation for the patience and tolerance and perseverance that’s required to be in that role. And so I show immense appreciation and gratitude to my partner, every single day, in every single moment, for every single cup of tea that he brings into my office, I ensure he knows that I don’t take it for granted.

Secondly, decision making fatigue is real. And it’s really important to be clear on responsibilities, where we have had moments where I’ve almost wanted to snap is where perhaps I’ve spent a whole day supporting clients with their businesses, helping them make decisions. And then when I get I get asked a question like, do you want carrots or wrote in a sweet potato with dinner tonight, just break and be like, I can’t make any more decisions today. But again, that comes back down to communication, I was really honest with my partner really early on and said, where I have a kind of intensive day with coaching calls, I will not be in the mood to be making any other decisions. So please, just I’d rather not like the accompaniment to a meal than be asked. Which sounds totally nuts. But honestly, it’s one of those things that similarly, I used to see that in my ex husband. And at the time I didn’t understand it. I was just like, I’m just asking the most simple question, now I get it, my brain can just be totally maxed out like a sponge, it can feel like it’s been entirely wrung out. And I will have nothing left to give sometimes. I mean, luckily my business is more balanced now. So I have to say those moments are fewer and far between. But the nice thing is I can just communicate that I can just say I am out of decisions. Those are yours to be made. And actually, it’s also a nice way to kind of ensure that, you know that he gets to kind of assert himself and the areas that he wants to set himself to. And thirdly, the final piece that actually kind of semi referred to earlier is you know, be open to evolving, you know, when neither of us feel trapped in a particular role, then it’s a choice, then it feels good. If you ever feel trapped, like your business and life wouldn’t succeed without you being at the helm, then that’s a lot to carry on your shoulders. And similarly, if he would ever feel like the whole house would fall apart, if he wasn’t there one morning, or if the chart, you know, if there’s areas where he feels like I just would have no clue what to do, then that’s a lot for him to carry on his shoulders to. So I think it’s really important that there’s always that mutual respect and support towards one another. And a real open dialogue around how we’re feeling about what it is we’re doing, you know, really not being black and white, and instead seeing the grey areas like what are the opportunities to make something feel better, and recognising that nothing is forever either. You know, sometimes people go through a phase where they just can’t stand the idea of whatever it is, and there’s always a way around that right. So you know, just keep those lines of communication open, be respectful, be kind, be grateful. And be aware that you know how one person might feel one day may look very different in six months time and so to be open to the evolution of that. So there you have it a behind the scenes to my slightly unconventional setup, you know, one that to me doesn’t feel so unconventional because I grew up in a very similar scenario. My mum was the main breadwinner. She had her own graphic design agency, and my dad, you know, cooked and cleaned and cared for all of us as children. And he was the one who bought me to buy my first bra and bought me my first Tampax and embarrass me in the shopping aisle saying

19:38

wow bought bought a farm for you. And so for me, my dad was there for a lot of those significant first emotional moments. You know, I remember him bringing me a tub of Haagen Dazs after my first breakup. So my dad has always been that emotional support. So I guess it’s not entirely funny, or strange or weird that I’ve ended up in a similar pattern myself. I love it. And I’m grateful for it. And like I say, I love being my own source of security and safety and stability. And more importantly, I love being able to pursue my dream. And my dream is to kind of, you know, really support as many female business owners as possible put as much money into as many entrepreneurial pockets as humanly possible in a way that feels good for everyone involved. So there we have it. That is, that’s a wrap. That’s a wrap on what it is to be the female breadwinner. I hope you found it interesting. And I hope you didn’t find it too triggering. If you have any thoughts please do drop them on my social I love to hear how these episodes are going down. Next week I’m going to be talking about why evergreen marketing is a non negotiable in your business.