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Welcome to Make More Money without Selling Your Soul with me Polly Lavarello, evergreen marketing expert. This podcast is for you if you are an online entrepreneur who is looking to simplify their business to scale.  On this podcast you can expect to hear regular talk about wealth, about selling and about wellbeing. Because I believe these three core fundamental things are pivotal to your growth moving forward.

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Hello, and welcome to make more money without selling your soul with myself Polly Lavarello, evergreen marketing expert and cushy business pioneer.

And today, we are talking about how to keep your emotional hygiene squeaky clean. And while I say how to keep your emotional hygiene squeaky clean, of course, I’m going to share it with you through the lens of my own lived experience. Now this feels particularly pertinent to anyone who is not trained as a coach. To give some context, I have actually done some coaching training. It was not ICF accredited, but I have done some subconscious transformation, facilitation certification work, but I had a very busy scanning business at the time, so I wasn’t as fully present. So I guess I’m alluding to this, because I will occasionally reference things that aren’t necessarily things that every coach, I say Coach, every mentor or consultant would know. And by the way, this is where I really see the difference with the phrase or the word coach, mentor or consultant, like they are three very different things. And the reason why I call myself a mentor is that I do a kind of a blend of consulting and coaching when I support my clients. You know, there are various occasions where my clients simply just want me to say, Let’s swap that sentence with that sentence. You know, I’m not there to say, Well, what do you think is best? A lot of my one to ones work with me because they’ve had too much of that, and it’s not worked for them so far, and they’re wanting someone who’s willing to say, swap that hook for this hook, or this is, you know what, you know what I mean, prescriptive right? But at the same time, I also know what it takes to succeed as a CEO, and that does take inner work, that does take self trust and all the other pieces.

So of course, the way I support my clients is also to help them find the answers themselves, or help them at least understand the logic and reasoning I use behind how I support them, to help them lean into that inner voice themselves. Anyway. Now that bits out the way, let’s talk about emotional hygiene. Now to add another layer to what I just shared with you, in regards to the difference between being a mentor or a coach, and I didn’t really speak to what a coach as a coach, of course, is there to help you find the answers, as in you understand for yourself. So for example, a coach will say things to you, like, if you were to say, oh my gosh, I don’t know how to make more money this week, they were like, What do you believe needs to be your focus this week for that to happen for you, that they almost basically put that same question back on you. And it is a very powerful thing to do, because the majority of the times, we do have the answers in us, and actually, if we just slow down for a moment, it’s very empowering to recognize, oh yeah, I do know what I need to be doing. Last week, I wasn’t visible at all, and this week, if I actually became more visible and said yes that invitation that I’ve been really nervous to say yes to, I would immediately be being more productive, right? So I believe when it comes to mentoring clients, there needs to be a delicate dance between the two, because equally, I would never just watch my client go out there and share something where I’m like that doesn’t make any sense, you know.

Anyway, so talking about emotional hygiene, the additional layer I wanted to add on top is that I believe I am undiagnosed autistic and ADHD. I might just be one or the other. Who knows most people who know me well, don’t ever say no. I don’t think you are so yeah, and probably, if you are a regular listener, you may have picked up on these themes as well. Now, why am I sharing this? I’m sharing this because I am probably more anxious than your average human being, and when I say that, I would say it’s more like I live with anxiety. I am proactive with how I manage my anxiety. I’m proactive with how I live alongside my cycle, because I know how my anxiety peaks just before that time of the month. I know I know I work alongside my cycle because I know that my body is and my brain. Works very differently, dependent on what’s happening with that and alongside that, you know, yeah, the various things I do, like meditations, breath work, saunas, massages, all these things to support my nervous system. Because I essentially believe my nervous system is more sensitive than the average nervous system belonging to human being. I may be wrong, but all I know is that, you know, if someone upsets me, I can literally physically shake without meaning to or if I’m giving a presentation, you know, there’s various times where my body is just calling all the shots, so I have to be super proactive at supporting myself. Now, the reason why I give this context is when I talk about living alongside anxiety. That means I know that certain things can really trigger me and really throw off my entire day. I also look back at how I used to run my business and there were some enormous energy leaks earlier on in my business, where I worked entirely unnecessary hours and enormously over delivered in a way that wasn’t remotely necessary, but I did it because I wasn’t maintaining emotional hygiene. So if there’s something you gain from this, I hope you perhaps relate to some of my shares and learn from how I’ve learned to manage it from the other side. Because, you know, we can talk about strategies, we can talk about offers, we can talk about all of those things. But ultimately, if you are not being really boundaried around, your energy well yourself, and if you’re not kind of plugging those energy leaks, it will really, really slow you down.

Okay, so here’s something that I did from the beginning, but I didn’t do it effectively. I’m going to be showing three things. The first one is one of the things that supports you to not have leaky boundaries, leaky energy, and therefore compromise on your emotional hygiene, because your emotions will be hijacked by the feelings that come out the other side, is to be acutely aware of what is your responsibility and What is your client’s responsibility. And more importantly than that, that that is clearly communicated. Now I’ve made the mistake in the past of believing that because responsibilities were clearly outlined in a contract, that that was more than enough. Now I’ll tell you something for nothing. In my experience, either people just aren’t reading contracts very well, or they’re not reading them at all, or they’ve just got very short term memories when it comes to contracts equally, I’ll tell you another thing about human beings. No one’s ever gonna go, Oh no, you’re giving me too many nice things. Please stop. Or at least not genuinely. Because if someone’s giving you nice stuff, if they’re over delivering, of course, you’re going to keep on saying yes, please. Yes, please. Thank you, gorgeous. You probably might even stop saying yes, please and thank you. You just you. You take it for granted that that is their modus operandi. They are just the over givers. And Aren’t you lucky to be working with them?

And you know, the issue with being an over giver and an over deliverer is that people pick up on that energy of you essentially taking responsibility for the outcome, which means that where it isn’t your responsibility, suddenly it can sometimes become your responsibility. And so things like, for example, if you’re an ads manager, like, you know, I used to be an ads manager back in the day, where you’re like, kind of staying up till late, adhering to people’s crazy notions that they need to change their ads in the middle of the night, which they really, really, really, really don’t. But if you’re adhering to that, because you’re nervous that this person’s going to be upset with you, or if you’re nervous that this person is going to stop working with you, so you feel you need to be up in the middle of the night working on these things equally the next day when they’re like, Oh my god. So that ad strategy, you told me it was a bad idea, but still did in the middle of the night. It didn’t work. Why? Why? Why? What did you do wrong? Can you see how it’s like just the beginning of a horrible sticky, like, just a horrible mess

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you just don’t need to be in. Honestly, these, these predicaments used to happen to me so regularly. I used to think a lot of my clients are batshit crazy. I’m not gonna lie, not a lot of them, a few of them. And I remember reaching out to a really, like, respected ads manager in my field, and I said, Oh my god. Why is this happening to me again? You know, what do you do in this predicament? And I will never forget this response I’m not going to share, because I don’t know if she’d want me to, but she just turned around said, This just doesn’t happen to me. Polly, in that moment, I recognized who I was being. Was also. Attracting these kind of situations. And while a lot of me wanted to blame this other person, I had allowed for it to happen by working enormously out of scope, adhering to all of their whims for fear of them. Essentially, I don’t know like I was riding those waves of discomfort with them, rather than holding rock solid. Bearing in mind, this was prior to my days of learning about coaching, right? I didn’t know about any of that, and a lot of me was like, you’re feeling discomfort, let me fix that for you. Let me like, bounce. You want me to jump. I’ll jump for you, even if I know jumping is actually going to rock this ship and not help you get there sooner, I’m going to jump for you. And yes, this feels really vulnerable and slightly embarrassing sharing, but I feel it’s important to share, because honestly, it’s been through working with various mentors across the year and various gorgeous reflections like that one from that other ads manager who said to me, this doesn’t happen to me, Polly, that made me recognize the power I had over my own situations. You know that there was a time back then where I was like, I hate ads management. I don’t want to run ads anymore.

And this is all like, within the first six months to kind of eight months of running them. It was really, I mean, it’s a long, long time ago, really early on, but, you know, I remember thinking I didn’t want to run ads, and then I had to be really honest with myself, and I recognized this situation will follow you everywhere, because this isn’t about the job. It’s about how you allow people to treat you and the overinflated sense of responsibility you are having over the outcomes that you actually only have a certain degree of control over. So what have I done on a practical level to readdress this balance. Because actually, honestly, I don’t think it was very much to the due to the type of person I was attracting, and much more to do with the type of person I was being and yes, that takes radical self awareness that unfortunately, I don’t see in a lot of other people. And that may make me sound arrogant, but it’s just the fucking truth. But, you know, recognizing my area of responsibility, one of the things I recognized on a practical level I needed to do was to not just have it in my contracts, what they can and should expect, but to likewise, before they even came to work with me, I would almost do this like Marmite test, where I would almost hit them with the worst case scenario and be like, and do you still want this? I’d be like, You do understand ads are not an overnight thing. They’re not like a slot machine, cash in, money out. You know that you do understand that it could require testing and refining, and you may see no results in the first month. You do understand that there will be certain elements to do with a setup where I will require your involvement. You know, all the other pieces I had, I literally like that, yes, yes, yes. I know I’ve heard about your results. Polly, I’m in, I’m in, I’m in, and then likewise, when they joined, reinforcing that.

Again, on the on the onboarding emails, reinforcing it, you know, reinforcing those boundaries all the time, like reminding people expectation setting so that they can’t get distracted. Because, of course, they do. They’re like, Oh, shiny new ad. Of course it’s going to do. Well, no, we’re leading with the data. Yes, we’re working with some of the best practices in the industry, because we’ve got loads of experience. And, you know, ultimately, the proof is in the pudding. We need to get it out there. We’re going to see. You know, it’s it was constantly kind of managing them to ensure that it and also, to be honest with you, I say constant management. There was also an element of, when you’ve got those strong boundaries, actually, the conversations are few and far between, because they just trust you to be getting on with it, and they know that they can’t push it, because you’re not going to respond simple, tiny things like someone emailing me and me having an out of office reminder that says it’s going to take up to 24 hours for me to respond, and allowing myself those 24 hours before I responded ensured that when people took the time to email me, they made sure it wasn’t a Oh and just this, and actually they sent a comprehensive email that I could respond to fully and tiny little details like that totally shifted the dynamic as to how I work with clients, and I ended up working with better caliber clients, getting them better results and enjoying my work so much more. So actually, that leads really nicely into the second point I wanted to make, which is getting comfortable with other people’s discomfort. If you are a recovering people pleaser, that can be really challenging. There can be a desire to want to fix things for people.

There can be a sense of you’ve invested in this, and I want to make it as comfortable for you as possible. And I’ve noticed this very much as a mentor to a group program. You know, people are doing stretchy and new things, and in the past, I would find myself almost pandering to people when they would express their discomfort as they were working through things. People have now actually reflected to me that I seem to be very calm, composed, grounded when they share their discomfort, and I do that because they need that person in that moment. They don’t need me to join them in their discomfort. They don’t need. Me to join them in their worry. They need a reminder of what’s possible for them so emotionally I’m very grounded and present in my own body, in my own mind, to be that strong beacon for them in those moments and to recognize it benefits nobody when I reach them in that same area of discomfort or try and jump in and fix it, because again, you then allow yourself to be associated with being a kind of savior. And what happens to saviors when it’s not working? Oh, it’s all your fault. They are the only ones who can save themselves, and you are there to support them. Okay? So you know getting comfortable if you work with people and they’re doing anything outside their comfort zone, and again, this is where expectation management is so important. This is why, through all my group programs, I will regularly speak to the discomfort that can come up around the different areas that they’re working through so that they’re not feeling any shame or embarrassment, because visibility is uncomfortable, because launching something new feels vulnerable, like telling them it’s totally normal if you’re feeling this already, just helps them go and move on and release. So finally, the other thing that I do to support my emotional hygiene.

So the first one is being acutely aware of my what is my responsibility and what is theirs. Number two is getting comfortable with other people, other people being uncomfortable. And yeah, that also, you know, you know, speaks to scenarios like where someone owes you money and, you know, your team members having to chase them up, you’ve got to be comfortable with being a bit uncomfortable, you know, with their their discomfort, like, again, we can’t be there to fix all that for them. They’re that. They’re the adults that made an adult decision to invest in something. You know, we’re not there to decide whether they should have booked the Bahamas at the same time or not. That’s not on us to decide.

And then finally, the third one, which is so important, which actually kind of packages up the first two really neatly. It’s just boundaries and breaks. Now, the reason why I reference the boundaries part probably doesn’t come as a surprise, because it’s essentially speaking to what I’ve just shared, which is, when you know all of these things. Don’t be afraid to have really firm boundaries around what that actually looks like and and remember that a boundary is an action, not a word. I had to have that shared with me again by another delightful kind of peer in my world who kind of said, Polly, you know, it’s one thing to say it. It’s another thing to do it. So, you know, having those boundaries around those practical actions that support you in your business allow you to still deliver an incredible experience for your clients, but at the same time, ensure that you are also protecting your own energy, because it doesn’t benefit anyone if you start resenting your clients, and there’s no need for it to get to that stage, there really, really isn’t you know When you are I know that because I have strong boundaries,

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I show up from a place of generosity for my clients, because when I show up, I’m fully showing up and I’m energized and I’m ready to go with all my best ideas. I couldn’t do that if I was stretching out trying to reach every demand. You know, I couldn’t have the number of one to ones and the number of clients I have if I was bending over backwards for each and every single one of them, and they probably wouldn’t respect me or trust my opinion on things if they saw me modeling something, they would never want to be doing themselves. Okay? But the brakes piece is also really important, because if you have had something that is like wobbled you or stressed you out, nobody’s going to know if you take a day out and hang out down by the beach, or go for a walk in the park, or take a little trip up to London and walk around a gallery for a day, like look after your mental health. You know, if you’re having a bad day, it’s just a bad day. If you’re taking a break, it doesn’t mean you’re giving up, it just means you’re recharging.

There’s nothing in life that’s on all the time, and I often find when things really rock our emotional hygiene, it’s usually because we are not well resourced enough or rested enough to be able to be resilient enough, or the R’s in that moment. And so oftentimes, where I’m really, really wrangled by something, it’s an invitation to me to rest, to replenish for us, so that I can lean back into that resiliency. Sometimes that means screaming into a pillow. Sometimes that means jumping on a trampoline. Sometimes that means a strength session where I make every single muscle in my body hurt, whatever it is I allow that stress out of my body, maybe have a little kind of like rant onto whatever, but let it out my system and then move on.

And I think one of the things that really helps me in all of this is every time things feel a lot ultimately, I just always lean back into gratitude, because there’s always so much to be grateful for, and it’s very easy to let toxic things wrangle their way inside us, when actually, if you just lean into gratitude, everything’s better from that space. So anyway, I really hope that’s helpful, because, you know, our energetic leaks have such a huge impact on how we show up in business, how we deliver. And as I talk about cushy cash flow, one of the things you can offer. Optimize in your business to make money is how you yourself operate, how you yourself deliver, and learning how to deliver more effectively. And what I’ve shared with you today is a really delicious example of that. So there you have it. If you found today’s episode helpful, do go check out my freebie down in the show notes. And if you found the episode helpful, please do share it this one, it this one, it particularly feels very meaningful to me, so I’d love it to reach as many is as possible. Thank you as always for your support. Next week, I’m going to be talking about multi, six figure generating funnels and what they all have in common.